


Military Amnesia

by HuyanaShadowheart



Category: Strike Back
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9425099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuyanaShadowheart/pseuds/HuyanaShadowheart
Summary: MI6 agent Alison Talbot returns to her job after a car accident, which left her in a coma for a year and with substantial memory loss. When her partner dies during a mission and she is kidnapped, John Porter is tasked with finding her and bringing her back. But as Allison recovers her memories, she slowly uncovers a secret that had not only put her into harm’s way once before, but will surely do so again. And she’s not the only one with a target on her back anymore.





	1. Prologue

_So baby now_

_Take me into your loving arms_

_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars_

_Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart_

_I'm thinking out loud_

_That maybe we found love right where we are_

_Oh maybe we found love right where we are_

_And we found love right where we are_

_Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out Loud_

‘Ally, look out!’

            The voice rang in her ears as well as the shrieking of her car’s tyres. She hadn’t been paying any attention on the road and a truck was suddenly on her side of the road because he was going into the curve too fast. The only way to not crash into the truck, was to try to get to the other side of the curvy mountain road. But Ally couldn’t react properly, she jerked the wheel violently and the car slithered across the street. The breaks didn’t function on the wet pavement and the car broke through the crash barrier, racing downhill and crashing frontally into a tree. The only words the young woman could hear before she passed out, were ‘Please… an ambulance…quickly.’ Then everything went black.

            She tried to open her eyes and shut them again immediately, as the lighting in the room was too painful. A beeping noise and several voices flooded Alison’s ears. She tried to swallow, but something stopped her from doing so.  

            ‘Doctor, she’s awake!’ a young man called.

            ‘ _Doctor? Where the fuck am I?_ ’ Ally thought.

            She finally opened her eyes to see a team of two nurses and a doctor relieving her of the tube that was stuck down her throat to make sure she kept breathing. The doctor and the nurses left Alison’s focus and a young man appeared at the side of her bed. He stroked her hand gently and Ally had to fight the urge to jerk back from the sudden, unexpected touch.

            ‘Ally, darling. Finally, you’re awake,’ he said lovingly and smiled at her.

            She looked at him, her whole face expressing her confusion. She wanted to ask him who he was, how she got here and what happened. But the words wouldn’t come out of her mouth.

            Now, the doctor was back in her focus and looked at her with a very serious expression on his face. ‘Miss Talbot, I’m Doctor Chanks. Do you, by any chance, remember what happened to you last?’ he asked. She shook her head. 

            What had happened to her?

            Why was she in the Hospital?

            Had she been shot during their last operation in Iraq?

            ‘Miss, you had a car accident.’ She looked at the young man who had called her ‘darling’. The question in her eyes could easily be read by everybody in the room.

_How long?_

            ‘You’ve been in a coma for a year, Ally,’ the young man answered her quiet question.

            ‘It’s only natural that you don’t remember much at first, Miss. It will get better in time,’ Doctor Chanks said before he excused himself, stating that he also had other patients to look after.

\--

            Three weeks had passed by and Anthony had spent nearly every hour at her hospital bed. Ally was grateful for his presence. He made her feel safe and quite normal. During the last weeks Tony had told her stories of the last three years, she especially liked the story of how he had proposed to her.

            They had been on their way home after a dinner at her parents’ house, their car broke down and the rain was pouring outside. While Tony had pretended to get the spare tyre out of the back of their vehicle, she had called the RAC, because – as Tony put it – she didn’t have much confidence in his skills when it came to changing tyres or fixing the car in general. When she had opened the door and stepped outside, Tony had stood there with a little box, wrapped in dark blue velvet. Then he had gotten onto one knee, taken her hand and asked her if she wanted to marry him. Of course she said ‘Yes’ without hesitating.

            A voice called her back to the present. ‘Miss Talbot?’ Doctor Chanks was standing in front of her bed and looked at her questioningly.

            ‘Sorry. I-I was lost in thought for a moment,’ she answered.                                                                                                                                                               ‘I just said to your fiancé that you can go home today,’ the doctor said with a smile on his lips. She looked at her fiancé, who smiled back at her and pressed her hand in his reassuringly.   

            ‘Well. I guess, then I’ll have to pack my things, don’t I?’ Ally said.

            ‘I’m going to help you,’ Anthony promised.

            The car ride to their house in the outer quarters of London was quiet. Ally hung onto her duffle bag as if it would make her feel any better. It didn’t, actually. She looked at the house in front of her, while Tony parked the car. It was a middle sized, semi-detached, red and white painted house with a black roof, three stores and four small steps leading up to the entrance door. Ally thanked Tony as he held the door of the car open for her, so she could take her time and carefully get out of it. All the time she kept staring at the house, unable to shake off the feeling of familiarity. Tony took her hand and led her up to the house and through the door.

            Alison let her bag fall to the floor near a small, Victorian style cupboard and went further into the hallway. Strangely a dark wooden door to her left caught her gaze. As if she were controlled by a remote, Ally went towards it and laid her hand on the door knob. As she turned the knob, opened the door and stepped into the office, a memory flashed up behind her eyes.

_Ally knew that she was standing in the same room. But something was different. Her hands were shaking and she stared at a tall man in front of her across an old desk._

_‘I told you – and I’m going to tell you one more time – I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ally,’ the man said to her. His jaw was tense and he tried very hard to keep his voice down._

_‘I know what I read and these files definitely speak for the fact that you’re working for the terrorist organisation in Egypt we are currently investigating. Andrew, do you have any idea what that means?! You could be arrested for high treason!’ she replied._

_‘I know exactly what it means! But I need the money and now I can’t back out. They would not only kill me, but everybody I care about. And I can’t let them hurt you and Tony!’ Andrew shouted back._

            ‘Ally. Are you okay?’ Tony asked and put his hands on her shoulders. She turned around rapidly and smiled at him.

            ‘Yes. I’m alright. I thought I heard something in here.’

            ‘Come on, let’s go into the kitchen and get you something to eat,’ her fiancé replied. Or rather, the man who claimed to be her fiancé. Although Ally would’ve loved to ask Tony about this certain Andrew, she felt it in her heart that telling him about her flashback was not the right thing to do. At least not until she knew if she could really trust him.


	2. Chapter 1

_Alison could feel arms wrapped around her. She felt safe, loved. At first, she couldn’t name the place she and her mysterious hugger were at. It looked like a military compound. And then, she remembered._ Iraq. One of our last tours together as a trio. _She was laughing, and so was the man behind her. She could feel the vibrations from his body. She closed her eyes, relished the short moment of peace, because she knew they would have to move out soon. And she didn’t know who would come back. And who wouldn’t._

_‘You know, if you’re two are going to get married, I’m invited right?’ Tony appeared in her field of vision._

_‘Don’t be stupid. You’re supposed to be our best man, of course you’re invited!’ Ally turned around and looked up at the man whose arms were still wrapped around her._

_‘Well, we’d have to get engaged first. And for that, we need to come home, alive,’ she replied. The man bent down and pressed a kiss on her lips._

_‘Of course we will!’_

                The beeping of the alarm woke her up and ended the dream. Well, more likely a memory. She felt the urge to ask Tony about the man in her dream. _Andrew_. But she didn’t know if she had the right to. Tony had taken such good care of her. He had been sweet and patient, even spent the last months sleeping on the sofa in the living room because he didn’t want her to feel pressured to share a bed with him, just because they were engaged. But were they really?

                ‘God, I don’t know what’s real anymore and what’s just a dream.’ Ally sat up, sighed and dragged her hands through her hair. The bedroom door opened and for a second, she expected to see Andrew there, a tall man, with short, auburn coloured hair and the most fascinating eyes she had ever seen. But instead of Andrew, Tony stood in the doorway, unsure if he could come in or not.

                ‘Sorry, did I wake you?’ Tony asked and entered the room, Alison could now see that he was carrying two cups. She shook her head.

                ‘No, the alarm did that for you,’ she replied and scooted over to make room for Tony on the bed. He sat down on his side of the bed and handed her one of the cups.

                ‘Coffee?’ Ally raised an eyebrow.

                ‘Sorry. Since I’ve known you, you were always more of a coffee addict than a fan of tea. So I figured, you’d like it. If you don’t then I can make you something else,’ he replied. She shook her head and smiled at him.

                ‘No, no. It’s fine. _Thank you_.’

                ‘You’re welcome.’ Tony returned her smile with one of his own, a wide smile that reached up to his eyes, made the skin around them wrinkly with small lines. Ally shifted her attention back to the warm cup in her hands and took a sip of the coffee. She made a small surprised ‘Mmm’ and then took a bigger sip.

                ‘God, I can’t even remember the last time I had coffee this good.’ Tony chuckled next to her.

                ‘Glad you like it. I had already mentally prepared myself for the worst actually.’

                Ally looked at him again. ‘I’m sorry, Tony. This must all be really hard for you. And I’m not really making it any easier.’

                He shrugged her off. ‘It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you came back to me.’ He leaned in for a kiss, but Ally ducked out of the way in the last second.

                ‘Sorry. I-I’m not ready for _that_ yet.’

                ‘I should be apologizing. I just thought… Anyway, take your time.’

                They sat in silence for a while. Each of them sipping on their coffees. Ally sighed and dared another try at a conversation.

                ‘What’s the plan for today?’

                ‘Well. I have to go to work. And, our SOs – or, well, _my_ superiors – asked me to bring you in today. They said they wanted to give you a psych evaluation, so they know when you can come back and train again. If that’s what you want, of course. Nobody’s forcing you to return to the MI6. You could literally do anything you want.’

                ‘They really want me back? After I’ve been gone for over a year? Who’s to say I even remember any of the terms or moves or whatever it is that we were doing?’

                Tony set down his mug on the side table next to the bed and took Ally’s cup out of her hands, then set that one down on the side table as well.

                ‘Look. It’s only an evaluation. You’ll talk to one of the professionals for an hour, an hour and a half at most. And then we’ll see from there, okay? If you then don’t feel like you’re comfortable being back in the force, then we’ll look for something else for you, alright? Just come with me today and talk to that one guy. And once you’re done, I’ll come and get you back home.’

                Ally sighed. ‘Alright. Fine. Just don’t– don’t expect too much.’

                ‘Of course not.’

 

Ally got dressed and ready for the visit while Tony went back downstairs and washed the dishes while waiting for her to come down as well.

                The car ride to the headquarters was mostly cloaked in awkward silence. Alison was lost in her own thoughts, nervous of what was to come. And Tony was simply too considerate to bother her with questions. Although he did worry what she had been dreaming about last night, he had heard her murmur in the morning before he had entered the bedroom.

                When they finally arrived, Tony sighed with relief when he got out of the car. It had been unbearably silent. But as he looked at Ally’s face when she walked round the car towards him, he knew that she wasn’t done thinking yet.

                The sound of their shoes against the pavement of the underground parking lot echoed while they made their way to the elevator. Before the elevator doors closed, Tony caught a glimpse of a security guard with greasy, chin length hair that glared at them with a mixture of jealousy and curiosity. Hadn’t it been for the hair and the uniform of the security firm, that didn’t really fit the man, Tony would have mistaken him for a soldier, maybe even one of his own agents.

                ‘If you won’t be able to pick me up later cause you’re in a meeting or something, I could just catch a cab or something,’ Allison suddenly broke the silence, shortly before the elevator announced their arrival at their destination.

                ‘No, no. It’s fine. Really. No problem at all. I’d rather see you home safe than worry all day if you got the right train or bus,’ he replied.

                ‘Alright. Um, well, thank you in advance for the ride then.’

                ‘You’re very welcome.’

                People stared at them while they walked down the hallway towards one of the offices. Tony raised an eyebrow, when Ally suddenly her hand into his and leaned in closer.

                _She must be feeling pretty uncomfortable. But we’ll have to get through this._

                Tony knocked on the door of the office at the far end of the hallway. A young woman, barely older than himself, opened the door and looked confused for a second.

                ‘Ah, Ally and Anthony, I presume. Come in, come in.’ She was of the bubbly sort apparently, warm smile, always trying to cheer people up and making them feel welcome. Tony let go of Ally’s hand, which earned him an alarmed look from her.

                ‘I have to go to work. I’ll pick you up later. Don’t worry. Dr Laner isn’t going to bite your head off.’ He smiled at her reassuringly and waited until Ally nodded.

                ‘Alright. See you later then.’ To his surprise, she stepped towards him, stood on her toes and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. Tony blinked a few times, before he realized that the door in front of him had closed and Ally and the psychiatrist had already gone inside. He shook his head and went off to his own job.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaaay. Long overdue update, but I’m free now. Last essay for Uni has been submitted, so I finally have time to write again!

‘So, how was your session with Dr Laner?’ Tony asked while he and Allison walked back to the elevator.

                ‘Uh, good. I think,’ she replied. He wondered what was on her mind now. She seemed to be constantly distracted, lost in her own thoughts.

                ‘Did you reach a decision yet on whether you want to go back to the MI6 or not?’ He pressed the elevator’s call button and they heard the mechanical whirring of the steel cables that pulled the elevator to their floor.

                Ally sighed, raked a hand through her waves of dark brown hair. ‘I-I don’t know yet. I’m sorry, Tony. I know, you want me to come back, but I don’t think, I’m ready yet…’ She looked up at him, an apologetic look in her bright green eyes. He smiled at her and reassuringly put a hand on her shoulder.

                ‘Don’t be sorry. I’m foolish enough to believe that one session with a psychiatrist would help you decide whether you want to risk your life for other people again without any credit, apart from the money,’ he replied. Their elevator arrived with a ‘pling!’ and they stepped inside. Tony pressed the button for the parking garage and the doors closed again.

                ‘You know, what I think, would actually help?’ Ally suddenly asked.

                He raised an eyebrow and looked at her from the side. ‘Hm?’

                ‘If I was allowed to train. I don’t mean give me a personal trainer that beats me up once a week, but maybe, we could go to the shooting range? Maybe that would even jog a memory or two.’ She shrugged.

                ‘That actually sounds like a good idea. I’m sure, we can arrange something,’ he acknowledged her suggestion. When he looked at her again for a moment, Allison was beaming with joy. He couldn’t help the smile that stole itself onto his own lips.

                They finally arrived in the parking garage and walked towards Tony’s car, when he suddenly stopped, his eyes fixed on the security guard he had seen nearly two hours earlier. Allison bumped into him from behind and made a small, disgruntled sound.

                ‘Why did you stop?’ She asked and moved to stand at his side.

                ‘Uh, it’s nothing. Sorry. It’s just that security guy. I don’t know. He looks…’

                ‘Jealous? At least that’s what he looks like to me. Maybe he envies our jobs. Or, well, _your_ job. Come on, let’s go home.’ Ally took Tony’s hand and dragged him with her to the car. He looked back at the security guard and then got into the car. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he maybe had met that guy in the rather loose-fitting uniform before. But he couldn’t place him. Just something about his posture and his face seemed familiar.

                He didn’t notice that Allison was again lost in her own thoughts while they drove back home, he was so hung up on that security guard that he had trouble even concentrating on the road.

                ‘You okay?’ Ally asked when they arrived at the house.

                He chuckled. Ironic that she was the one asking him if he was okay, had he not been the one to usually ask that question. ‘Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.’

                ‘You’re still thinking about that security guard?’ She smirked at him.

                He sighed. ‘Yes. I just can’t shake that feeling that he’s familiar. Or that his jealous glare is something personal.’

                ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. You know, what I think?’

                ‘What?’

                ‘Maybe he’s ex-military. Maybe even Special Forces. Got injured and now he has to work as a security guard for the MI6. That would piss me off, too.’

                Tony laughed. ‘Yeah, me too. Does that mean, you remember your time in the Army?’

                Allison shook her head. ‘Not really. I think, I dreamt about something last night. Or remembered it, I don’t know. Where we ever in Iraq?’

                He nodded. ‘Yeah, one of our last tours. Why?’

                ‘I can’t really say why. I’m sorry.’ She shrugged.

                ‘Alright. Maybe you just had a dream about it because we talked about it. Anyway, don’t stress yourself. I’m sure, your memories will come back sooner or later.’ He smiled at her and she smiled back.

                ‘I know. Anyway. Do you need to go back to work now?’

                ‘No. Not unless they really need me there. Why?’

                ‘Just figured we could maybe order some food and sit down and relax? You could tell me a story of one of our tours, if we did actually do more than one?’

                ‘Sure, we can do that. But first, we need to get inside the house.’ They both laughed.

                ‘Right.’ Ally got out of the car and Tony followed her. They walked to the front door together and he thought, she might feel a little bit more comfortable around him. Whatever she had talked about with Dr Laner, it seemed to have a positive effect on her. He could almost see the old Ally back on the surface. Although the doctors had told him that she would most likely never really be her old self again and that she might not remember everything. But he didn’t really care. As long as she remembered the right things.

                ‘Why don’t you go ahead and order whatever you feel like? I’ve got to take this call,’ Tony said when the phone in the back pocket of his jeans began to vibrate.

                _Unknown number_. Ally had already walked further down the hall and turned around to him.

                ‘Sure. Can’t promise, it’s going to be all too healthy, though,’ she answered and vanished into the kitchen.

                Tony answered the call and went into the little study. ‘Hello?’

                ‘Hello, my old friend,’ a familiar voice answered. He could hear the smirk through the phone line.

                ‘Andrew, what the hell?’ he hissed.

\---

                Allison looked back into the hallway when she heard the door to the study open and then close. She shrugged, figured that Tony simply wanted some privacy while he was on the phone. She returned to looking at the different menus of restaurants that also made deliveries.

                She finally chose an Indian restaurant and ordered Tandoori chicken for herself and a vegetarian curry for Tony, since she wasn’t sure which kind of meat he liked. If he even liked meat at all.

                After she had ordered the food, she went to the sofa in the living room, sat down and turned on the TV, letting the documentary on the intelligence of elephants in Africa wash over her, while she lost herself in her thoughts again.

                She frowned when she heard Tony raise his voice in the other room, but couldn’t understand what he was saying. And she didn’t want to. He wanted to have this call in privacy, she respected that. And if it made him angry enough to raise his voice, she would stay out of his way.

                Her mind wandered back to her session with Dr Laner. The psychiatrist had seemed very nice to Ally. They had gone over what she remembered and Ally had told Dr Laner about her dream. But the psychiatrist had said the same thing as Tony when she had mentioned the dream to him. It could’ve been just that. A dream. Nothing more.

                But she couldn’t completely shake the feeling that it was a memory, not a dream. And that the man, who had held her in that dream, was the same man as the one who had told her that he had no choice but to work for a terrorist organisation in her first flashback.

                Maybe it was really nothing, but nevertheless, she decided to ask Tony about this Andrew. Perhaps there was more to this guy than she thought. She would definitely try to find him on google later on. But not while Tony was in the other room. The risk that he could just walk into the room and then he would most likely ask her what she was looking for. No, it had to wait.

                ‘Ally? Didn’t you hear the doorbell?’ Tony suddenly stood in the room, with the bags of food from the restaurant in his hands.

                ‘Oh, sorry. No, I didn’t. I was–‘

                ‘Lost in your own thoughts?’

                She nodded. Tony put the food on the kitchen counter and Ally got the plates. They sat back down in the sofa and began to eat. Tony looked at the TV and frowned, then got the remote.

                ‘Sorry, do you mind, if I switch the channel?’ He asked, mouth half full.

                Ally shook her head. ‘Not at all. I wasn’t really watching anyway.’

                ‘I could see that,’ he replied with a sly grin on his face. She chuckled.

                For a while, they continued to eat in silence. At some point, Tony complimented her on her choice of food for him and she thanked him, replied that she had not really known what he wanted since he had been busy with his phone call.

                ‘Tony, I have to ask you something,’ Ally said after a while of eating in silence again.

                ‘What is it?’ He turned towards her.

                ‘Do we know anybody named Andrew?’

                For a second, she thought, she saw a spark of fear flash in his eyes, but it was gone so quickly that she wasn’t entirely sure.

                ‘Uh, yeah. We did.’

                ‘Did?’

                ‘He died last year on a mission,’ Tony explained.

                ‘Oh,’ made Ally. ‘Did we know him well? Were we close to him?’

                He nodded. ‘He was our best friend. Why do you ask?’

                ‘I think, I might have called somebody Andrew in that dream last night. Maybe it was just nothing.’

                ‘Or you remembered the day I came to the hospital after they had told me he had died. You were still in a coma. But I still told you about him.’

                ‘Yeah, that could have been it. I’m sorry. He must have meant a lot to you and I just feel like I have absolutely no idea who you’re actually talking about.’

                ‘It’s alright. Maybe you’ll remember someday.’

                _Yes. Maybe. But what if I don’t?_


	4. Chapter 3

For once, Ally was up before Tony, and she took advantage of that. After they had talked about her dream and finished their food, Tony had said something about needing to finish up some reports. When she walked into the kitchen that seamlessly transitioned into the living room and she didn’t find him sleeping on the couch or making breakfast, she figured he might have just fallen asleep in his office. She turned on the radio, which was set on a station that played old classics like Glen Campbell, and went on to making breakfast.

                She was humming and so lost in the music that she didn’t notice when Tony finally entered the kitchen, until his arms suddenly wrapped around her waist from behind. She could feel his body leaning into her back slightly, his chin on her shoulder – and she froze.

                _Ally found herself back in a memory, she stood just where she had stood a moment ago and she was also cooking. But it wasn’t Tony, who was hugging her from behind, it was somebody else._

_‘I thought, I’m the one who’s supposed to make you breakfast in bed?’ The man murmured against her shoulder and place a soft kiss on the crook of her neck._

_She chuckled. ‘Well, you were still snoring five minutes ago and now neither of us is in bed. So, I’d just simply call it breakfast.’_

_The man sighed. ‘I love you, you know that?’_

_‘Yes, I know,’ she replied, still grinning. ‘I love you too, idiot.’_

                ‘Ally? Are you okay?’ She suddenly heard Tony say and felt his hands on her shoulders. She blinked, looked down at the cutting board. There was blood.

                ‘No, I’m not okay. I cut my finger,’ she replied and held up her bleeding finger.

                ‘I’ll go get a band aid for that.’ He pressed a kiss on her cheek and then vanished.

                Ally, still partly lost in the memory she had just experienced, continued to stare at her finger. She had heard that man’s voice before, but where? Before she could dwell any longer on that question, Tony returned to the kitchen.

                ‘Here. Give me your hand,’ he ordered and she complied. ‘How did you do that? Thought you’d know your way around a knife.’ She shrugged.

                ‘I was, uh, distracted,’ she answered and Tony snickered at her response.

                ‘I had no idea, I suddenly have that effect on you,’ he teased and looked up at her with a sly grin.

                She rolled her eyes at him. ‘You are an idiot.’ Tony laughed at that, then raised her hand to his lips and placed a small kiss on the now bandaged cut. His smile slowly melted away and a shadow passed over his face.

                ‘What’s wrong now, Tony?’ Ally asked and furrowed her brows as well. She pulled her hand from his grip and put it on his cheek. His gaze flickered to hers and for a moment they simply stared at each other, none of them dared say a word. Hesitantly, Tony leaned towards her, his hands wrapped around her waist again and he pulled her closer.

                Their lips touched and Tony wanted to deepen the kiss, but Ally pulled away. It felt… wrong? She couldn’t say why, but kissing Tony just didn’t feel right. It was as if her body was telling her that this was not the man she really loved, this was not the man she had chosen to marry. Tony stared at her, his eyes studying her face and asking her silent questions, but he didn’t hold her back when she took a few steps away.

                ‘I-I’m sorry, Tony. I can’t do this,’ she whispered.

                ‘Why? What’s wrong?’ he asked and reached for her.

                But Ally shook her head and took a few more steps back. ‘I don’t know. It just feels _wrong_.’

                She thought, she saw a flicker of acknowledgement in his eyes when she said those words to him, but in the next moment that was gone.

                ‘It’s okay. Just take your time.’

                ‘No. Stop telling me that it’s alright, that I should just take my time! That I have to _wait_ and then one day everything will magically be okay again! It’s not. And it never will be. I have no idea who I am, Tony. I have no idea, who you are! You tell me we’re engaged, but all I feel towards you is friendship, and not even that is a very consistent or strong feeling. I don’t love you, I don’t know if I ever did. I just… I’m sorry. I can’t keep pretending like everything’s the same or that everything is going to be better. I need to know, who I am. And before I do, I can’t do _this_ , the hugs, the kisses. I. Just. Can’t.’ Ally raised her voice, she felt tears burn in her eyes.

                She didn’t want to be mean to him, didn’t want to hurt Tony’s feelings, but she had to tell him how she really felt. Or, well, how she felt at that moment, everything else kept changing like a whirlwind. She felt like she was going to drown in this sea of not knowing who she really was, of not remembering, and she knew, she had to keep fighting, but she couldn’t. She just wanted to curl up somewhere, lock out the world and forget everything and everyone on the outside.

                ‘Ally, please,’ Tony pleaded with a whisper, she could see the tears in his eyes, but there was something else as well. He reached for her again, but she was well out of his range.

                ‘I need some air. Sorry, Tony,’ she mumbled, turned around then stormed out of the house. While the door clicked shut behind her, Ally fell into a moderate jogging pace. She needed to bring distance between herself and that confusing house with its memories and dreams and especially Tony.

                She had no idea where she was going, but she was determined not to turn around now. She wouldn’t tug her tail between her legs and return home. Even though she knew, punishing Tony for something he was not responsible for, was wrong. But he just kept pushing her, even if he did it subconsciously, his mere presence felt like a big dark shadow that was looming over her, threatened to suffocate her. And then there were also the expectations from everybody at her old workplace. What if she really didn’t want to go back to the MI6? If she didn’t want to return to the service, to fight people, to _kill_ people? Sure, everybody she had talked to about the possibility of not wanting to return, had told her that it was fine. That she would be fine in whatever new job she wanted. But was that really true? From everything Tony and Dr Laner had told her, she had always been the soldier, the agent, a warrior willing to die for her country and the right cause. But she didn’t feel like that anymore. Not right now, anyway.

                Ally stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and then looked around to get her bearings. She had come to a crossing, the high street right in front of her and a shopping street with a pedestrian zone that crossed the high street. Not many people were around, obviously, the working population was where they were supposed to be on a weekday at 8 am – at work. She decided to walk the down the shopping street until she maybe come across a park or something.

                She noticed the confused looks other pedestrians were throwing in her directions and she was almost ready to snap at them and ask what they were staring at, when she realised that she was still in her pyjamas. With an eye roll, she came to the decision to ignore the staring. There wasn’t anything she could do about her clothing at the moment. Not unless she wanted to go home and change, which she adamantly refused to do. Ally continued to wander through the pedestrian zone, until she came across an electronics market with a few television sets in the window.

                As usual, they showed trailers for movies or even scenes from some of them, but a few at the far left side of the display were constantly turned to a news channel. She stepped closer and read the headlines. _‘TV journalist kidnapped in Iraq’_ read the current headline. The channel showed a picture of the woman that had been kidnapped and Ally felt like she looked familiar, but apart from the knowledge that the missing woman was a TV reporter, she couldn’t further place her.

                After watching the same news report over and over again on different channels on the TVs in the shop window, Ally came to the conclusion that maybe it was time to head back home. Even if every fibre in her body told her not to return, she couldn’t just keep wandering the streets of the London suburb, especially not in her pyjamas. ‘Tony will be worried,’ she mumbled and then turned back home. Although she had to admit that she couldn’t care less if Tony worried about her. It was true that she had basically no idea who he was, who he was supposed to be and how she was meant to feel towards him, but she did feel guilty that she had walked out on him like that.

                When she finally returned home, she had expected Tony to be angry with her, but he stood in the doorway of the front door and, when he saw her, ran down the steps to hug her tight.

                ‘Thank God, you’re back. I was so worried that maybe something happened to you,’ he rambled and pulled her close to his chest. Ally in turn put up her hands and gently pushed him away, breaking away from the embrace. He looked at her for a moment, confused.

                ‘You’re not angry with me? For just storming out of the house? And for all those terrible things I said to you?’ She asked and studied his face. Still, no sign of anger. Why?

                Tony shook his head. ‘I… You are right, after all. It is your decision to return the MI6 or not and I shouldn’t pressure you into being in a relationship you hardly have any memory of.’

                She felt her own anger bubble up inside her again, a hot mixture of frustration and not wanting to understand, not wanting accept that she wouldn’t be her old self again if that’s what everybody else wanted from her, shot through her veins. She wanted to shout at him. To tell him to stop being so damn understanding every time. To stop being so considerate and for once to think of himself as well. But she remained quiet.

                ‘Let’s go inside,’ said Tony and walked back to the door. But Allison remained where she was.

                ‘I’ve come to make a decision by the way, while I was walking,’ she called after him. He stopped, turned around to her.

                ‘And?’

                ‘I want to go back to MI6. I want to fight. And help people. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it? We save people when nobody else can?’


End file.
